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"You two really love each other!" ~ says someone nearly every day, whether Doug and I are shopping at an outlet mall, walking hand-in-hand to our car, smooching in the corridor at work, or visiting with his hospice nurse.  And it's true; we really, really love each other.  And now he's really, really dying.  

How can those last two sentences be in the same paragraph, in the same life, in my life?  

The picture above was taken at Lone Mountain Ranch in Big Sky, Montana one year before Doug's penile cancer diagnosis.  His parents had given us a sleigh ride dinner to celebrate Doug's 50th birthday and we'd just returned from the beautiful - and freezing cold - ride feeling grateful for our love and the life we were sharing (unlike our sleigh-mates who'd been bickering and snappy with each other).  

We never could have predicted that just two years later Doug would be too weak to shower, too tired to leave the house, and too sick to eat or drink much of anything as his body began to shut down.  We could not have predicted that the long life together we'd envisioned would be dramatically cut short or that we would look adoringly into each other's eyes, tears streaming down our cheeks, wishing he could stay.

When I gave my communication book the subtitle, Opening to Unlimited Love, it was because I had invested six years in developing my own understanding of what that meant and beginning to say YES! to unlimited love in my life.  I had come to believe that unlimited love existed, in even the bleakest circumstance, and I was committed to being open to it in every way, including a romantic relationship.  I am so glad I made that commitment, because it led to me being loved more purely, more playfully, and more adoringly than I had ever thought to wish for.  

Doug Wilson loves me.  And I love Doug Wilson.  Our six short years together feel like only six deep breaths.  But in these six years we have both experienced a quality of love, of loving and being loved, that I don't think most people ever do.  I wish he could stay, that we could fulfill the dreams we've woven together.  And, I choose to believe that his soul will be with me, that I will find a way to heal and grieve and talk with him in spirit, even though he'll be partying with the angels. I know he'll be kissing my face and rooting me on just the same.
Many years before meeting Doug, I asked a psychic why I had chosen to be born into such a painful life.  Her answer was that I wanted to learn about extreme compassion.  At the time, the lesson was for me to demonstrate extreme compassion toward someone who had harmed me as a child, but today I see that I am a recipient of extreme compassion as well, and so is my beloved.  We are surrounded by people who care for us, who will care for me.

Yes, Doug and I really, really love each other.  And yes, his body is dying.
 


Comments

Jake Rose
10/07/2016 1:50pm

My heart aches and rejoices. I cannot imagine a world without Doug. Nor do I want to. I cannot think of Ann I have loved more. But I am so thankful you two found each other. My science and theology don't understand it. But my spirit tells me you have been together before, and will be again. I love you both.!

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Annie Wilson
10/10/2016 7:16am

Ah, Jake. You are so right! From the moment we met Doug and I felt as if we'd known each other forever. It was more a sense of "Oh, there you are!" than "Nice to meet you." :)

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Sue Kay
10/07/2016 3:00pm

Annie, what you write is beautiful, but mind-boggling at the same time. I am so sorry to hear this. Is his death imminent?
I am Doug's aunt. I live in Bend Oregon.
Honey, is there anything you need?
Please accept my love for you and Doug.
Aunt Sue

Reply
Annie Wilson
10/10/2016 7:20am

It's nice to meet you, Sue. Thank you so much. Of course, no one can predict exactly how much time Doug (or anyone) has, but the doctors and we believe it to be weeks, not months.

We are surrounded by support here, to a mind-blowing degree. If you desire and are able to help us with Doug's medical bills, you can donate to our GoFunMe account here: https://www.gofundme.com/dougwilson?ssid=765606207&pos=10

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